found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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