I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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