Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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