I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
