My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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