So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
