My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
