sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
