I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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