I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
