Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
