Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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