I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
