I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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