I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I AM VODKA MAN
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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