My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
