when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my being single is dangerous.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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