Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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