The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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