i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
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Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
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I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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