you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
