don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
