If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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