Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
