I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
