my room smells like sperm. sweet.
love makes seman taste better
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
