She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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