if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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