my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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