it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
