we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
