I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
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Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
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I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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