Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
