youre lurking in front of me
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I think i peed on brittanys purse
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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