I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
