what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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