I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
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you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
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Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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