I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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