I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
