trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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