i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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