stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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