I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
