someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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