Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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