hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
