anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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