I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
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We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
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I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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