Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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