I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
