I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
