Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
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Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
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jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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