we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
